From the Darkness
by A Nordic Niche
Summary: "I'd follow him to the ends of the earth if I had to. I want to live and love him. Isn't that what brothers are?" Dark. AU NorIce, one-sided DenIce, incest.


_This fanfic is based off of the song Alluring Secret, Black Vow by Kagamine Rin and Len. ( __秘蜜～黒の誓い__) I was listening to it obsessively one day and this is what happened... I write too many depressing fics, I know. I worked on Relapse, too!_

_**Warning:**__ Even though there is no explicit content in this story, it mentions incest, so steer clear if you don't like that sort of thing. Also a message to people who don't like it when their favorite characters die: They die in this story. _

_**READ IN 1/2 PLEASE.**__ It looks stupid otherwise. _

_-Haku_

You could ask me if it had hurt.

My response?

It hurt like hell.

Falling from heaven isn't something to take lightly. And even if you do take it lightly, how am I supposed to find my way around here again? Yeah, I knew it was pointless. But I was running after someone I loved, and not being able to let him go got me banished.

Oh yeah, before I forget. I'm Emil, Emil Steilsson. And the person I'm after is my older brother, Lukas Bondevik. Yeah, yeah, I know. "What kind of idiot falls in love with their own brother?" I do! For the last few months of my life, I'd been sick. Horribly sick. Sick to the point where no one was allowed around me because they were scared my sickness was contagious or some shit like that. But Lukas didn't care. "I'll stay with him until the end," he said.

And he did.

Everyone else shunned me. So Lukas shunned all of them. He wouldn't go near or talk to anyone that refused to come near me. Even his own best friend, Mathias, who was shot and killed in a bar fight about a week before I'd died. Lukas mourned for him, of course. But not as much as he'd mourned for me. I'd watched him from where I'd been, up there in the clouds. He wouldn't talk to anyone, wouldn't go outside his own house unless it was to visit my grave. He even thought of suicide.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the reason I'd fallen in love with him.

Like in most places on Earth, falling in love with a relative was strictly forbidden in Heaven, especially if they were the same gender as you. Most people think all the angels up there are all pure of heart and strumming harps all day. I like to think of them as stuck-up homophobes. Well, that's really what they are. I'm surprised they even let me in the damn place.

The moment I landed on the ground, I felt myself change. I didn't know how, exactly. I still felt those stupid wings in my back, still felt the burning desire to go after Lukas. But somehow I could tell something was different. It was dark on Earth, which I liked; it was in sharp contrast with Heaven, which was bright no matter what time of day it was. I got up and dusted myself off a little, looking at the horizon. The sun had set almost completely behind the trees, the trees that I'd often see from my bedroom window when I was little.

I walked along a little ways before spotting a puddle under a dimly lit lamppost. I walked towards it, peering into it for no apparent reason. It was then that I saw what had changed.

I was a girl.

I nearly screamed. That's how freaked out I was. How would Lukas know who I was if I was a girl? I suppose that's what those fucking angels thought too. "He'll never get Lukas to fall for him," they'd think. "He's a whiny little girl now." One more reason I hate those angels: They were too smart for their own good. My hands clenched into fists as I threw back my long hair. How did I not notice the hair? Or for that matter, how the _hell_ did I manage to miss the boobs that were now hanging off of me? I mentally slapped myself, groaning. I was such an idiot.

I sat on a nearby bench, sighing with frustration. I was never going to find Lukas in a million years at this rate. He wouldn't recognize me, either. He'd probably walk right past me because he's still mourning for... Well, for me. That's confusing. Either way, I wasn't expecting him to stop to look at me.

That reminds me. One thing I'd always wanted to do was visit my own grave. Seriously. I've wanted to look at my own dead body since I was maybe 5, after my best friend Peter died. He was 12 then and, we had quite the nice time up in Heaven until we both got kicked out. He got pushed out because he'd actually went and killed one of the angels, the one that he'd seen right before he'd died. I wonder what happened to him...

I started walking along the path to the graveyard I'd often watch Lukas walk to. It really wasn't that far away... I suppose the angels had missed that. I smirked slightly, trying not to growl in annoyance at my jiggling breasts. How could girls live with these things? They were all bouncy and stupid. I finally came to the entrance at the graveyard, pushing over the creaky cast-iron door before walking in and looking around.

Sure enough, there he was.

Lukas knelt at a grave maybe five yards from where I stood, holding flowers in his hands and peering at the gravestone. "Hallo, Emil," he said quietly, so quietly that I had to walk in closer to figure out what he was saying. "How are you up there?" I wanted to yell at Lukas and tell him I was standing right here, but he'd probably kill me, so I settled for walking to the row in front of where he was kneeling, trying to avoid his gaze. I sat down in front of some random gravestone, looking closely to try and figure out who's it was. Coincidentally, it was Mathias' name I was greeted with, which almost made me laugh before I realized that would probably scare the shit out of the person in the row behind me.

"Hej, Mathias." I greeted him in Swedish for no specific reason. "I know you know who I am." I was vaguely aware of the fact that Lukas had suddenly stopped talking in English; he'd started to sing the Norwegian lullaby that had often put me to sleep when I was little. I smiled a bit, going on. "I know you're up there somewhere," I muttered. "Hopefully you're not like those homophobic assholes." It was then that Lukas stopped making any noise at all. I frowned, feeling his eyes on my back. Well, my wings, really.

I turned around and stared at him. His eyes widened. "You look like..." Lukas shook himself, looking back down at my grave as if searching the mound of dirt for some sort of response before looking up and frowning at me. I smiled slightly back. "Hallo," I said quietly. Lukas weakly raised a hand and waved back. "You look a lot like my brother," he blurted suddenly. I felt a pang of guilt slice through me. I'd severly underestimated him, hadn't I? "What was your brother's name?" I asked.

"Emil," he muttered. "What's your name?" I blinked in surprise. I hadn't thought of that. I couldn't just say my name, could I? "Haku," I said quickly. it was the first thing that had come to mind; I'd been studying Finnish for a while at school before I'd gotten sick and the only thing I remember was that 'haku' meant 'search' or something like that. Lukas' mouth twitched slightly. It was the closest thing to a smile I'd seen on his face since I'd died. "I'm Lukas," he said. His eyes darted back to my wings. I didn't blame him; how did he manage to keep his eyes on my face for that long? "Are you an angel?"

"I was."

The last thing I wanted to do was associate myself with one of the idiots who'd thrown me out. He nodded. "I'm guessing you got thrown out?" he said gently, looking back down at _my_ grave and placing the flowers he'd clenched tightly in his hands onto the mound of dirt that held what was obviously the coffin with my rapidly decaying body in it. "I feel sorry for you." I nearly started crying at that second. "Not as much as I feel sorry for you," I whispered. "It must be horrible to lose your own brother." _It was for me,_ I added mentally. Lukas chuckled. "I still miss him so much," he murmured. I could see the tears building in his eyes as he looked up at the sky. I sighed, looking back at Mathias' grave.

"Do you need a place to stay?" Lukas' voice startled me. I turned towards him with a smile. "Yeah... I do..." He smiled weakly. "You can come with me, then. I promise I won't do anything weird." I closed my eyes.

"Thank you."

A few weeks had passed since I'd fallen from heaven. Lukas and I went to my grave every day, and he'd come to trust me, _this_ me, more than anyone else. I still trusted him as much as I had when I'd really been alive, but something was still nagging me: How the hell was I going to manage to tell Lukas that I was really his brother, that I _wasn't _Haku, but Emil?

Damn, that's confusing.

Lukas' house was almost exactly how I remember it; the only thing that was different is that all the pictures that didn't have me or Lukas in them had been taken down. "Who is that?" I'd asked, pointing to one of me when I was little, playing in the snow. Lukas had smiled and sighed. "The love of my life," he'd murmured. My heart skipped a beat. So he _had_ returned my feelings. He was just like me in the fact that he'd kept it hidden away.

"What was Emil like?" I asked him today, sitting down at the table near the kitchen and looking up at him. Lukas blinked down at me. "W-well... He was kind and innocent, the cutest thing I'd ever laid eyes on..." He bit his lip, putting down his empty coffee cup and looking back at me. "When he got sick, I felt horrible. 'I'll get better, don't worry,' he'd say." I remembered that. The sickness had started off like a bad winter flu, and I'd thought then that I'd be fine in a few days, maybe a week or two. "But then it got worse... He could barely move, let alone talk. He'd still talk, though, even if I told him to stop. Everyone told me to stay away from him, because they all thought I might get sick too. I hated them for telling me to stay away, hated them for pulling me away from him." Lukas looked out the window and up at the clouds.

"I wasn't supposed to fall in love with him," he went on quietly. "But I did anyway. I'd dream of loving him like I wanted to, but I was too scared to tell him how I felt because..." I could tell he was trying extremely hard to hold back tears. "D-deep inside, I knew th-that he wasn't g-going to m-make it," he stuttered. "And I d-didn't want to h-hurt him anymore th-than he was being hurt b-by telling him, because I knew th-that it would h-hurt him even m-more wh-when he..." Tears fell from his eyes and rolled down his cheeks into his empty coffee cup. I watched as he buried his head into his hands. "D-dammit... Emil..." I closed my eyes and pulled back the thoughts of my life.

_"Lukas, Lukas! It's snowing, look!"_ I'd pulled Lukas to the window and squealed with joy as I pointed a chubby little finger at the falling white flakes. Lukas had smiled, pulling me up into his arms and planting a kiss on my cheek. _"Do you like snow, lillebror?"_ he'd asked, looking at me. There was nothing but love and adoration in his eyes. I'd only been about 3 then, while he'd been 10. I'd nodded and laughed. _"I love snow!"_

It had snowed the day I'd died.

I could feel Lukas' eyes on me. "You look almost exactly like him," he said slowly. I opened my eyes and looked up at him. He smiled slightly. "Same shade of purple, too..." he added, pointing at my eyes. He laughed a little. "I need to stop being so sentimental." He got up and walked towards the kitchen with his cup, putting it in the sink and starting to wash it. "Get to bed, by the way," he said, turning around. "It's getting late." I got up from my chair with a sigh, looking over at the clock. _11:57,_ it said. "Right, I'm going..." I started up the stairs, and was about to turn into the room that Lukas had let me have when I realized something. Would my old room still be here? Stopping for a second to make sure Lukas wasn't listening, I walked the rest of the way down the hall and pushed open the last door.

Sure enough, my room was still there; even the flowers that Lukas had picked for me the day I'd died were wilting in a vase on the bedside table. I smiled a little. It seemed that Lukas hadn't even touched this room since that day.

_"Emil?" _Lukas had walked into my room with those flowers, setting them in the vase and filling in up with water before turning to me. _"How are you doing, min kjære?" _I'd smiled then; that had been Lukas' pet name for me, but now that I'm replaying his voice in my head, he'd sounded a little scared. I'd smiled up at him. _"I'm f'ne..."_ I had lost ability to pronounce vowels well, and as a result, I'd sounded like Peter's father, Berwald. _"'M t'red, br'r," _I muttered. _"C'n I sl'p for'ev'r, L'k's?" _Lukas' hands had clenched into fists. _Please don't,_ his eyes were saying. _"You can take a little nap, okay?" _he'd said, kneeling by my bed and putting a hand on my forehead. Either his hand had just been frozen, or I was burning.

I'm guessing it was the second one.

I went over and knelt by my bed just had Lukas had a few months ago. "Don't go, Emil," I said quietly, repeating what he'd said. "Don't leave me alone." tears built up in my eyes. I hadn't wanted to leave, and even now that I was back, I couldn't tell Lukas who I really was because he'd never believe me.

I was stuck.

I suddenly felt as if I was sick again, stuck in one place and not being able to tell anyone anything.

And I hated it.

I got up from the side of the bed and walked over to the still open window. I pulled of the black coat that had kept my wings hidden for so long and jumped.

I landed hard on the ground just as I had when I had when I'd fallen from heaven. It hurt but I no longer cared. Running away was something I'd never done before; never given thought to it. I'd loved Lukas too much to leave as a human or as an angel. But now that I'd learned that to survive again was to hide, I left. "Thank you, big brother," I murmured, getting up. "Good bye." I didn't know where I was planning to go, but I knew that somehow, I'd find a way.

I love you, brother dear.

Hello there.

My name is Mathias Køhler. Emil might have mentioned me. He probably didn't, but whatever. It's not like I ever mattered to him more than his _dear_ Lukas. I pretended for so long to be close to Lukas and to like him. But then there came that one day where he spilled out his deepest, darkest secret to me. _"I'm in love with Emil."_ I hated those words. He couldn't love Emil. _I _loved Emil, not him. Just like Emil, I've died.

And just like Emil, I got kicked out of heaven for loving.

I didn't care. I'd wanted to go back down there, and this was just wish granted. It hurt, of course. But again, didn't care. The only thing on my mind was Lukas. Kill him, and then you can get Emil back. That's all I cared about.

And as soon as I thought of that, I heard Lukas' voice. Calling out for... "Haku! Where are you going?" I saw him running, panicked, after who was quite obviously a female Emil. the angels had punished him before sending him to Earth. They'd made sure that Lukas wouldn't be able to point him out as his brother. I smiled. This was too easy. I followed them closely, making sure they couldn't see me by switching directions from time to time. Lukas was so close; all I had to do was-

"Hallo, Lukas."

That stopped him. He turned around to look at me. His eyes widened as he looked down the barrel of my gun. "M-Mathias?" I grinned.

"Bye, Lukas."

Gunshots rang through the air.

I turned to see Lukas crumple in front of who I recognized to be Mathias. "No," I whispered. "Lukas!" I ran back towards the two of them, watching as Mathias flickered and disappeared. His work was done and so he'd left. As much as I wanted to go after Mathias and kill him violently, I cared more about Lukas. I knelt in front of him, tears flowing down my face as fast as the blood flowing down his chest. "Lukas," I whispered, taking a hold of him and pulling him into my arms. I was still an angel, so I had one way to save him.

Shatter.

I didn't want to do it. To do it would be leaving him forever and to be caged into a far corner of Heaven. Why I would still be going to Heaven, I don't know. "Don't leave me, big brother," I whispered. I pulled up one of his hands. They were colder than usual. I bit my lip. Yeah, I had no choice now.

Well, I had a choice.

Live in shame or die in peace.

I'd much rather die knowing that the love of my life is alive than live forever knowing that I'd never be able to see him again. Sappy, I know. Yet the thought was at the front of my mind.

I held his hands in mine, starting to transfer my life force into him. After a few seconds, his chest started to move and some of the warmth was returning to his frozen hands. In five minutes, I couldn't feel my legs and my wings were starting to wither away. But it was all worth it. Lukas' eyes flickered open. I smiled.

"Hello, _storebror._" I greeted him at last with what I'd call him when I was alive. I could feel my voice getting deep again, my hair was shortening, and those stupid breasts were shrinking away, leaving me flat-chested again. His eyes widened. "But... E-Emil...?" he breathed in deeply, reaching out one shaking hand. "How..." I looked down at him, tears starting to form in my eyes. "It'll be alright," I whispered, stroking his hair with one hand and weakly grasping his open hand with the other. My wings were nothing but withered stumps now, and I was back to who I'd been before. "Don't worry, brother dear. It's okay." Now that I could no longer hold my voice straight, it cracked and squeaked. "You aren't going to die today." I closed my eyes, letting the tears flow freely.

"I'm going to die for you, _storebror._"

Lukas looked like he was about to scream. Scream like he did when he realized I was no longer breathing. I would have laughed if he had. But he didn't. He just shook all over and started to cry. "I don't want you to die again," he whispered. "I couldn't take it." I chuckled softly. "I'd much rather you live happy with me dead, trust me," I muttered. My life force was almost gone completely; there were just a few seconds left until I'd shatter. "Don't worry. I'll... I'll see you again. We'll meet again, I swear it." I coughed, gripping his hands tightly once more. "Just remember..." I choked, laughing again before looking back at my dear brother.

Looking at the person I loved for the last time.

_"I love you."_

One pure white feather fell to the ground.

And so did the first flakes of a pure white snow.

_Storebror- Big brother in Norwegian (I bet everyone knew that already but still)_

_To point out the obvious- Lukas is Norway, Emil is Iceland, Mathias is Denmark, Berwald is Sweden, and Peter is Sealand. Did I miss anyone? _

_How did you like it? I personally really liked this story... It's my first time writing a full-blown story in first-person, but to my surprise, it wasn't that hard. Random side-note: I recommend listening to the song Alluring Secret, White Vow by Hatsune Miku while reading this. Or The song I mentioned at the top._

_Haku (The name I gave to Fem!Iceland) Means something along the lines of 'Search' in Finnish. I don't know a lot of Finnish, okie. _

_You'll see why I picked snow._


End file.
